Martha Sabbath

Sometimes i take a Martha Sabbath.

Usually i'm Mary. I like to worship in community. I like to hear other ideas, other voices. I like my thoughts and feelings to be confirmed, and i like my thoughts and feelings to be challenged. I like to sing, to pray, to listen. I know that these things are important, and i feel that i need them.

But sometimes i'm Martha.

Sometimes, when i wake up on a Sunday morning, i just don't feel like going to church. Sometimes, the thought of putting on clothes and doing something with my hair and driving all the way to church and talking to people (talking to people! so many people! why do you talk to me?! leave me alone! i'm trying to worship and you're totally harshing my mellow!) is completely overwhelming. Sometimes, it feels like more of a chore than a joyful and necessary and longed-for part of spiritual life.

Yes, i know that we have to do these things. In a relationship, sometimes you have to do things you wouldn't otherwise be inclined to do. You have to go to a concert for a band you don't care for, because your significant other loves them and you want to be with that person when they are so happy. You have to go to family Thanksgiving so that your relatives can find out how you're doing and comment on your life. You have to get up early to make lunches for your kids before school. You have to go to church and talk to people and sing and sit still and pray. The practice of these things does build a bond (and i could lecture on the psychology of that, but i won't) between you and the object(s) of your affection. When it comes to spiritual disciplines, the bond is multifaceted: between you and God, between you and your pastor, between you and the other people on the worship team or in your Sunday school class or the other greeters or what have you. You are a part of their spiritual lives too, and it is your Christian duty to be there for the sake of their worship, just as it is their duty to be there for you. It builds community and love, it assists in spiritual growth, it fosters connection and learning and worship. Going to the same church every week is a good thing.

You know what's also a good thing? Sleeping in. Spending the day in PJs. Taking time to clean the kitchen for your roommates, or to cook lunch for your houseguests, or to shave your legs for your boyfriend, or to organize your desk for yourself.

Sometimes, you need to worship Jesus by caring for yourself and for others. Sometimes, you need to worship Jesus by bleaching the shelves in the fridge, or reorganizing the Tupperware, or sleeping for just one more hour.

Sometimes worship is the blending of voices raised to the Lord. Sometimes worship is snuggling with a cat and then washing a sinkful of dishes.

Mary worship is the norm, and that's as it should be. But never be afraid to take a Martha Sabbath.

23

In my apartment, birthdays are extravagant affairs. You can expect anywhere between 30 and 100 people to show up. The agenda is simple: get drunk, get drunker, play drinking games, drink. The more the merrier, since more people = more booze, which makes for more hilarity and crazy pictures and stories for the next day. Plus, you might get laid. Open invitations are issued, and friends-of-friends think nothing of showing up with three of their own friends. It's all a little overwhelming for an introvert, and i usually stay long enough to get a buzz before disappearing to my own bedroom, or my boyfriend's apartment, or a deserted corner of the porch.

I don't really do birthday parties for myself. When i was younger, my mom helped me organize and plan parties; i remember an American Girl Doll party complete with tea and games. She suggested people for me to invite, hoping both to make other girls feel included and, i think, to get me out of my shell a little. But as i grew older and more autonomous (and more socially anxious), i invited fewer and fewer people and became less and less enthusiastic about the prospect of a party with me as the main focus. My best friends and i got together for a party at least once a month, and there were never more than six people involved. Because the parties were regular and rotated in location, and because they were organized around the Orange and Blu Kidz Club (a whole series of blog posts there), no one person was ever the center of attention. These were fun, and made the transition to birthday time easy: i invited the same group of people, hosted everyone at my house, and the only difference between that and our normal monthly meetings was that everyone brought me a gift.

My last real party was when i was fifteen. I had expanded the group slightly, and although there were no guests that i hadn't known for at least five years, i was painfully anxious and uncomfortable for the whole evening. The planning and preparation was exhausting, even for such a simple party, and the things i wanted to do were drastically different from the things other girls my age enjoyed, leaving me with an awkward choice to make: please myself and bore everyone else, or turn my own birthday party into a party for other people and leave myself sad and bored and slightly resentful? I settled on a compromise that mostly worked, but that was the last time i had any enthusiasm for a birthday party, and the events of my 21st birthday cemented those feelings pretty firmly.

But this year, i decided i was ready for another party-type thing. My initial thought was to schedule it somewhere away from my house, so that when i was ready for everyone to go away i could just go home. So i picked a restaurant (Mr. Bartley's Burger Cottage; visit if you're ever in Boston!), sketched out a preliminary guest list, and picked a date. Then i got ambitious.

We will be going to Bartley's, and then perhaps we will shop for books (the Harvard bookstore is right next to Bartley's; have i mentioned how much i love Boston?), and then back to my house for Cards Against Humanity. There are a few people that i invited out of obligation, but most of them are unable to come. I created a Facebook event for it and made it closed and invite only to keep it manageable, and then started sending out invites.

I was astonished to realize that there are now more than ten people that i really want to spend an evening with. In fact, there are more than fifteen people that i would like to invite, but some of them live too far away to attend. It is astonishing to me to realize that i like that many people enough to want to spend an evening with them in my home. I never anticipated being that sociable, even in high school, when i so desperately wanted to be different than i was. I never thought i could worry about finding enough seats for everyone in my apartment. I never imagined being sad that more than five people lived too far to invite, while simultaneously being glad that two-thirds of my best-loved ones would attend.

I guess what i'm saying is, this level of personal growth combined with the staggering number of good friends is such a wonderful gift already, and y'all damn well better give me something pretty anyway. It's my birthday, bitches.

It's tough being wildly attractive.

So because today is Valentine's Day, and because i have to look nice for work/look sexy for my boyfriend later, i am wearing black lace tights.

And because i am making him dinner, i needed to pick up some fresh ingredients today.

On my lunch break, i went to the grocery store. As i was headed for the checkout, a woman with a small child stopped me.

"Oh. Mygod. I love your tights."
I laughed nervously. "Oh! Um, thank you!"
"No, seriously. You look hot."
"Oh . . . thank you."
"Seriously. Those tights are so hot."
"Um, I got them at CVS."
"Get out!"
"Yep. They were five bucks."
"They are so amazing. You look adorable. Do you have plans tonight?"
"Yes. Yes i do."
"Good, because you look really hot."
"Um, thank you."
"You have a great day."
More nervous laughter. "Um, okay!"

I mean, they are pretty smoking. But please, ladies and gents, keep your pants on. It's two thirty on a Tuesday, and your shopping cart is blocking the snack aisle.

In her defense, these are fairly stunning.

introversion

This entire post was copied and pasted from here. The annotations in italics are mine.

On Introversion
Linda Kreger Silverman, Ph.D. Gifted Development Center Denver, Colorado

The American dream is to be extraverted. We want our children to be "people who need people." We want them to have lots of friends, to like parties, to prefer to play outside with their buddies rather than retire with a good book, to make friends easily, to greet new experiences enthusiastically, to be good risk-takers, to be open about their feelings, to be trusting. We regard anyone who doesn’t fit this pattern with some concern. We call them "withdrawn," "aloof," "shy," "secretive," and "loners." These pejorative terms show the extent to which we misunderstand introverts.

The majority of Americans are extraverted (about 75%), but the majority of gifted children appear to be introverted (about 60%), and the percentage of introverts seems to increase with IQ (Silverman, 1986). In addition to the problems encountered with being gifted, these children are frequently misjudged because they are introverted. Introversion is a perfectly normal personality type identified by Carl Jung. It is actually healthy to be an introvert. The only unhealthy part of it is denying your true self and trying to disguise yourself as an extravert.

Introverts are wired differently from extraverts and they have different needs. Extraverts get their energy from interaction with people and the external world. Introverts get their energy from within themselves; too much interaction drains their energy and they need to retreat from the world to recharge their batteries. People can be extreme extraverts, extreme introverts, or a combination of both. Since extraversion is the dominant mode in our society, there are no "closet extraverts," but there are many "closet introverts," people who are so ashamed of their introversion that they try to be extraverts.

Here are some tips on the care and feeding of the introverts in your family or classroom:

HOW TO CARE FOR INTROVERTS

• Respect their need for privacy.

This refers both to physical privacy and informational privacy. Introverts need to be alone, but they also need to have secrets, and they need to feel that those secrets are respected. They will share when they feel ready, but you shouldn't try to force them to divulge information in the name of intimacy and sharing.

• Never embarrass them in public.

To you it may be a minor event that everyone can laugh over in a few days. To the introvert it is a moment that will haunt them to their dying day, and their hearts will be full of bitterness toward you for the part that you played in their humiliation.

• Let them observe first in new situations.

My mom always tried to get me involved in things right away, convinced that i was not having fun if i was not participating. To an extravert, part of the fun is making a fool of yourself with a bunch of other people while everyone is getting to know one another. To an introvert, part of the fun is observing the social dynamics of the group, and they won't be able to relax and have fun without this prior period of observation. There are many situations where i have more fun watching than i ever would participating (and yes, i have learned this through trial and error).

• Give them time to think. Don't demand instant answers.

You know how some people like to think out loud? They may simply need to hear a voice speaking in order to form their thoughts, or they may need to bounce their ideas off of another person. Either way, they process externally. Introverts, on the other hand, process internally. A long pause before an answer means that they are thinking, not that they are ignoring you or zoning out.

• Don't interrupt them.

You may have gathered at this point that it is rare to hear an introvert speak. When they do speak, they are rarely babbling thoughtlessly. They are usually divulging something about which they have thought long and hard, something that is important to them. For you to interrupt those words is deeply hurtful and frustrating.

• Give them advanced notice of expected changes in their lives.

I do really well in two situations: when i have a tightly regimented, extremely detailed schedule that i follow exactly, or when i have no plan at all and simply make it up as i go along. Anything in between these two extremes causes me deep anxiety. If you have given me a schedule and you need to change it, do your best to inform me well ahead of time. Even if the change is better and easier, it will freak me out if i find out about it at the last minute.

• Give them 15 minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing before calling them to dinner or moving on to the next activity.

See above.

• Reprimand them privately.

DO NOT "make an example" of an introvert by reprimanding them publicly. This is the same as public embarrassment, and far from teaching them to behave themselves in order to avoid such humiliation, it will simply make them hate you.

• Teach them new skills privately rather than in public.

This should need no further explanation at this point.

• Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities: encourage this relationship even if the friend moves.

Okay, i am not this pathetic and i don't know any other introverts who are. We have more than one friend, and often more than one best friend. However, if a very good friend does move away, it can be very difficult, though introverts are often pretty comfortable with and skilled at maintaining long distance relationships.

• Do not push them to make lots of friends.

When it comes to friendships, or really any social interactions, introverts prefer quality over quantity.

• Respect their introversion. Don't try to remake them into extraverts.

This one is HUGE. I know it is difficult and confusing for extraverts to see their introverted friends sitting quietly in the corner at a party. I know you think you are helping them when you push them to socialize or to try new things. But introversion is perfectly healthy and normal. Believe me when i say that it is far more enjoyable for an introvert to sit quietly at a party and watch everyone else "have a good time" than to actually participate in what is going on. Don't ignore them completely, but let them be.

Introverts need to learn about the positive benefits of their personality type. They need to be taught that reflection is a good quality, that the most creative individuals sought solitude, and that leaders in academic, aesthetic and technical fields are often introverts. Parents need to know that more National Merit Scholars are introverted than extraverted, and that introverts have higher grade point averages in Ivy League colleges than extraverts (Silverman, 1986). Contrary to public opinion, success in life is not dependent upon extraversion. Introverts also have an advantage at midlife in that long, hard journey to the soul which heralds the second half of the life cycle. The time has come to respect the introverts in our families and classrooms, and the hidden introvert in ourselves.

I recommend the book Please Understand Me for parents, teachers and students to gain a better grasp of the different personality types in our lives. Great for family reading!

REFERENCE
Keirsey, D., & Bates, M. (1978). Please understand me: Character & temperament types. Del Mar, CA: Prometheus Nemesis Books.
Silverman, L.K., (1986). Parenting young gifted children. In J.R. Whitmore (Ed.), Intellectual giftedness in young children. New York: The Haworth Press.

INFJ

Those of you unfamiliar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator are no doubt mystified by the title of this post. Because you're lazy and didn't either Google it or click on the link above. Seriously. If you're reading this, you're on the freaking Internet. Use it.

Those of you who are familiar with Myers-Briggs Typology are now frantically trying to remember which category is INFJ, and what the initials stand for, and what that says about me. Because you are also lazy and don't know how to use multiple tabs at once.

It's okay. I'm going to do your work for you. I will even bold the most interesting and important parts. Who determines which are the most interesting and important parts? Me. What can you do about this? Read the whole thing. Stop whining.

INFJ stands for Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. For those who are interested, i scored 91% on the "Introverted" scale. The rest of it fluctuates a little, but 91% is pretty damn introverted. Which should tell you a lot about me. And if it doesn't tell you anything, read on. The information in the following paragraphs is basically copied and pasted from the link in the first sentence. So why read it here instead of following the link? Because we've already established that you are too lazy and/or dumb to leave this page and do your own research.


As an INFJ, my primary mode of living is focused internally. I take things in primarily via intuition. My secondary mode is external, where i deal with things according to how i feel about them, or how they fit with my personal value system.


INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, we live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types. (That's right. I'm that awesome.)


INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in our outer worlds. We put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in our lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within ourselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. We know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. We are usually right, and we usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into our instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk. (Or bedroom? I'm so glad my mom can't comment on this.)


INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. We get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and we ourselves do not really understand our intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of our inner selves, sharing only what we choose to share when we choose to share it. We are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of ourselves, and can be secretive. (Just ask anyone i've ever dated, been friends with, been related to, had counseling with, worked with, or randomly encountered in life.)


But INFJs are as genuinely warm as we are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who we are close to, who are able to see our special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. We are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. We may tend to internalize conflict into our bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.


Because INFJs have such strong intuitive capabilities, we trust our own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. We believe that we're right. On the other hand, INFJs are perfectionists who doubt that we are living up to our full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with ourselves - there's always something else we should be doing to improve ourselves and the world around us. We believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in our accomplishments. We have strong value systems, and need to live our lives in accordance with what we feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of our personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, we have very high expectations of ourselves, and frequently of our families. We don't believe in compromising our ideals.


INFJs are natural nurturers; patient, devoted and protective. We make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with our children. We have high expectations of our children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.


The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but we are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.


Aside from a few INTJ tendencies, this is me in a nutshell. So now you know.

Shit My Roommate Says

“He’s pretty cute for an Asian kid.”

“Are you changing your bra? I should change mine too. I think it’s been a few days.”

“Do you want some of my Ritalin? No, I’m just kidding!”

“I used to make (blueberry tea) all the time when I was at Christian rehab.”

“Jen-Jen, you should have lived in Martha’s Vineyard. Or in the 70s. You’re much more of a hippie than I am.”

“I feel so bad. I feel like you’ve done 90% of the work and I’ve only done 20%.”

“It’s such a trashy show. Some of the girls are lesbians, which is gross. But they don't even look like lesbians.”

“What do lesbians look like?”

 “Oh, you know, I don’t know. These girls are just really pretty. They just don’t look like lesbians.”

“Don’t forget, you’re gonna be my surrogate mother!”

“Are you infertile?”

“I might be!”

“What’s an interpretive dancer?”

“Uh, hard to explain.”

“Is it a stripper? I’ve never seen one of those.”

“Argumentative. I have a cousin like that. No worries, though. They’re getting better.”

“Do you like instant coffee?”

“Um, it’s okay. I don’t mind it, if I don’t have real coffee. It’s okay.”

“Oh, me too! But you know, a lot of people don’t like it. We should have instant coffee together some time.”

“Well, I have real coffee.”

“Oh, yeah. But some time, you know? We should have instant coffee together.”

“Hey Jen, I just got some pictures of your baby.”

“ . . . My baby?”

“Yeah.”

“You mean my kitten?”

“Yeah. Oh, you don’t call her your baby?”

“No, i call her my kitten.”

“Oh. Hahaha! I love your reactions to things. I’m putting the pictures on the Facebook.”

“I don’t want to mess up the internet by using too many networks.”

“I have those wipes – those lady wipes. Don’t be scared to use them. That’s what they’re for, for when we get our periods.”

“Oh, I live in a state of paranoia.”

“Oh, is that your boyfriend?”

“. . . Yes.”

“Oh. I have pictures of him on my Facebook. You should look.”

“You could come over. I have a blow-up mattress. Or you could sleep in Jen’s bed. You like sleeping in her bed.”

“Are you braless too?”

“When I went to Christian rehab, my foster mother cleaned out my car, and she found my little . . . you know . . . my little bunny toy. And she threw it away.”

“Clarissa, you can sleep in my bed and watch me clean if you want. You can sleep in any of our beds.”

“It’s been four years, you know? And I don’t want to be gross or anything, you know, but I did all kinds of, like, sexual activity before, you know? So it’s like, been there, done that, but it’s been a long time!”

(to the cats): “Yo, that’s my baby picture!”

“Does he talk in hobonics?”

“You mean ebonics?”

“Oh! Haha, yeah! I can’t remember his name . . . It ain’t Alex, is it?”

“You don’t use feminine wipes?! I’m going to buy them for all of you!”

“I peed my pants a little. Don’t tell anyone. And Jen, don’t you tell anyone either!”

“I didn’t hear what you said.”

“Oh. I was just telling Erica I peed my pants yesterday. Not a lot, you know, just a little! But don’t tell anyone!”

“She writes gay porn, which is weird, because she’s married to my brother. She’s not even pretty, either. I mean, he’s not that cute either, you know?”

“I keep getting boogers in my nose and I can’t get em out.”

“I shouldn’t tell people that I peed myself.”

“How was worky-poopoo?”

“Did you get up to get water last night? That’s not what I was going to ask, but did you?”

“People are going to say I didn’t shower today, but I used some of those wipes, just so I wouldn’t smell!”

“So if I believe in evolution, does that mean that I have to believe we came from monkeys?”

“Have you ever had a real hot flash? I have, when I was on that fertility drug. I am not looking forward to menopause.”

“My Adderall tastes like candy. You want to try a little piece?”

“Yeah. It’s too, like, cut. As I like, touch myself.”

“My mother didn’t know that she was pregnant with my brother.”

“Sometimes you have to tell a little fibby.”

(in class): “I can turn my hot spot on for you, Dr. Massey.”

“. . . I don’t even understand what you’re saying. Please don’t turn on your hot spot for me.”

“Are you going to be one of those infertile dog women? I’m probably going to be one of them.”

“Yeah, I used to notice that you had a lot of tension in the bathroom this summer.”

“Are you Swedish or Scottish?”

“Oh, Jen, I gotta spray you later.”

“Well, honey, she’s Haitian.”


"I got balls. Not, you know, like a man does. As I touch myself."


"Oop! I just passed gas! Not that you needed to know that."


"All right. I'm going to go sit on the toilet and brush my teeth. Ooh, that's gross."


"I just did you know what by accident. You know! Poop!"