That's NOT What She Said

I have this fantasy where i'm one of those smoky, sultry babes that has a witty double entendre to reply to every remark, no matter how mundane or inconsequential. In my fantasy, a routine remark on the weather can turn into a steamy make-out session in seconds, because my words are so saucy and seductive that i create an atmosphere of constant eroticism and irresistible sensuality.

In reality, the responses that usually occur to me are less "sexy and witty" and more "awkward and slightly horrifying". Fortunately for me, i manage to keep the vast majority of these remarks in my head. Fortunately for you, i have compiled them here. 

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

John: "I'm updating my webpages."
Me: "I'm updating my vagina."
What? No. That's not sexy. That's not even a thing.

John: "I just like to manhandle you sometimes."
Me: "I like to handle your man. Your little man. Your penis."
Stop. Just stop talking. If you have to explain it this much even to yourself, it's not sexy.

Overheard in the Office 19

"I hate soda. It, like, burns me going down." (said as she massaged her throat)

Overheard in the Office 18

"It's like a happy explosion in your mouth!"

Happy Birthday, Boyfriend

I and a friend spent about five hours making this cake for John's birthday. Who knew that erotic pastries would figure so largely in my life?

They're a little mismatched. Just like real ones.

Overheard in the Office 7

"Oh, Tyler's in the closet. By the way."

Overheard in the Office 5

E: You're on top, so I'm blaming you.
N: I wasn't on top. Darrell was on top. I was under him.

Overheard in the Office 3

"It goes both ways. You can put it in one way, and then you can flip it around and put it in the other way."

That's What She Said

My roommates and i kept a running list of real-life "that's what she said" moments. So here they are:

I can't get my finger in there far enough to get it off.

I've been waiting all day for this. We're doing it.

I wanted to finish licking this.

I wanted her to put it in my mouth.

It hit me in the face!

I feel like Lyndsay's blowing is far superior to mine.

I forgot to go down.

I thought it was exciting until I put it in my mouth.

I could use a good bump in the junk.

Mine's always out.

I figured it was wet so it would work.

Don't go down too far. You'll get stuck and no one will be able to help you.

Get back on me.

Hold your breath and swallow.

I didn't know what to do with it, so I put it between my legs.

It's not a favor if you're paying for it.

I think you can last a little longer.

I'm really bad with this whole staying-on-top-of-stuff.

It hurts when it's tight.

I couldn't see where my hand was going.

They're not like the hard ones that you suck on.
But I like to suck on them for a long time.

Maybe it needs to be bigger. Is that part of the problem?

I like hitting hard.

The free ones are all really, really short.

I push into it hard to help relieve the pain.

You know what my favorite part is? It's so long!

I got it to go up!

I thought it exploded but I didn't catch it in my mouth.

I put my hand in it and it was wet.

I can't get my finger in there!

It got stuck in the hole!

You're doing it much better than I did.

We could see it coming.

He finally finished and left.

My mouth's not big enough!

Mine's awkwardly long now, so it might not fit.

Mine's awkwardly shaped.

I don't know where to put it because it's so big.

Take off your pants. Maybe something will happen.

Good job! You got it in the hole!

That was a little harder than I intended.

Since every stroke does the work of two, you save time and finish faster. (Behr paint commercial)

I don't want it now! Bad things have happened to it! It went soft!

When it goes "bump", that's how I know it's in far enough.

Oh, God. You're way too big for me.

It exploded on my face, and I wanted to throw up.

I took off the top and it just started gushing. I poked it.

Can you fit the whole thing in your mouth?

Why are you so hard on me?