Friday, March 25, 2011

Shit My Roommate Says

“He’s pretty cute for an Asian kid.”

“Are you changing your bra? I should change mine too. I think it’s been a few days.”
“Do you want some of my Ritalin? No, I’m just kidding!”
“I used to make (blueberry tea) all the time when I was at Christian rehab.”
“Jen-Jen, you should have lived in Martha’s Vineyard. Or in the 70s. You’re much more of a hippie than I am.”
“I feel so bad. I feel like you’ve done 90% of the work and I’ve only done 20%.”
“It’s such a trashy show. Some of the girls are lesbians, which is gross. But they don't even look like lesbians.”
“What do lesbians look like?”
 “Oh, you know, I don’t know. These girls are just really pretty. They just don’t look like lesbians.”
“Don’t forget, you’re gonna be my surrogate mother!”
“Are you infertile?”
“I might be!”
“What’s an interpretive dancer?”
“Uh, hard to explain.”
“Is it a stripper? I’ve never seen one of those.”
“Argumentative. I have a cousin like that. No worries, though. They’re getting better.”
“Do you like instant coffee?”
“Um, it’s okay. I don’t mind it, if I don’t have real coffee. It’s okay.”
“Oh, me too! But you know, a lot of people don’t like it. We should have instant coffee together some time.”
“Well, I have real coffee.”
“Oh, yeah. But some time, you know? We should have instant coffee together.”
“Hey Jen, I just got some pictures of your baby.”
“ . . . My baby?”
“You mean my kitten?”
“Yeah. Oh, you don’t call her your baby?”
“No, i call her my kitten.”
“Oh. Hahaha! I love your reactions to things. I’m putting the pictures on the Facebook.”

“I don’t want to mess up the internet by using too many networks.”

“I have those wipes – those lady wipes. Don’t be scared to use them. That’s what they’re for, for when we get our periods.”

“Oh, I live in a state of paranoia.”

“Oh, is that your boyfriend?”
“. . . Yes.”
“Oh. I have pictures of him on my Facebook. You should look.”

“You could come over. I have a blow-up mattress. Or you could sleep in Jen’s bed. You like sleeping in her bed.”

“Are you braless too?”

“When I went to Christian rehab, my foster mother cleaned out my car, and she found my little . . . you know . . . my little bunny toy. And she threw it away.”

“Clarissa, you can sleep in my bed and watch me clean if you want. You can sleep in any of our beds.”

“It’s been four years, you know? And I don’t want to be gross or anything, you know, but I did all kinds of, like, sexual activity before, you know? So it’s like, been there, done that, but it’s been a long time!”
(to the cats): “Yo, that’s my baby picture!”
“Does he talk in hobonics?”
“You mean ebonics?”
“Oh! Haha, yeah! I can’t remember his name . . . It ain’t Alex, is it?”

“You don’t use feminine wipes?! I’m going to buy them for all of you!”

“I peed my pants a little. Don’t tell anyone. And Jen, don’t you tell anyone either!”
“I didn’t hear what you said.”
“Oh. I was just telling Erica I peed my pants yesterday. Not a lot, you know, just a little! But don’t tell anyone!”

“She writes gay porn, which is weird, because she’s married to my brother. She’s not even pretty, either. I mean, he’s not that cute either, you know?”

“I keep getting boogers in my nose and I can’t get em out.”

“I shouldn’t tell people that I peed myself.”

“How was worky-poopoo?”

“Did you get up to get water last night? That’s not what I was going to ask, but did you?”

“People are going to say I didn’t shower today, but I used some of those wipes, just so I wouldn’t smell!”

“So if I believe in evolution, does that mean that I have to believe we came from monkeys?”

“Have you ever had a real hot flash? I have, when I was on that fertility drug. I am not looking forward to menopause.”

“My Adderall tastes like candy. You want to try a little piece?”

“Yeah. It’s too, like, cut. As I like, touch myself.”

“My mother didn’t know that she was pregnant with my brother.”

“Sometimes you have to tell a little fibby.”

(in class): “I can turn my hot spot on for you, Dr. Massey.”
“. . . I don’t even understand what you’re saying. Please don’t turn on your hot spot for me.”

“Are you going to be one of those infertile dog women? I’m probably going to be one of them.”

“Yeah, I used to notice that you had a lot of tension in the bathroom this summer.”

“Are you Swedish or Scottish?”

“Oh, Jen, I gotta spray you later.”

“Well, honey, she’s Haitian.”

"I got balls. Not, you know, like a man does. As I touch myself."

"Oop! I just passed gas! Not that you needed to know that."

"All right. I'm going to go sit on the toilet and brush my teeth. Ooh, that's gross."

"I just did you know what by accident. You know! Poop!"

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