Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Cake

Today, when i got to my desk, there was a note to say that Facilities was going to take the Admissions van in for an oil change. An hour or so later, someone from Facilities stopped by.

Facilities: Hi, are any of the enrollment counselors around?
Me: Um, everyone is in a meeting. Can I help you?
F: Well, we're taking you guys' van in for an oil change, but there's a box in the passenger's seat from a bakery. We'll be gone for a while, so I didn't know if you'd want to keep it in here. You probably don't want it sitting out in the sun.
M: Yeah, uh, thanks. I don't know what it could be for. I'll come and get it.
F: We didn't know if it was for a birthday or something, so I didn't even know who to talk to about it.
M: I don't think we have any birthdays. I don't know what it could be.

The box was large and cardboard. The contents felt heavy and solid, so i ruled out pastries or bagels. Almost definitely a cake of some kind. As i walked back to the office, cradling the box in both arms (it was very large), it occurred to me that, if it was a surprise cake for a birthday or other celebration, there was a good chance that there would be some kind of name or message on it. If i looked at the cake, i could probably learn who it was for.

I opened the box. Inside was a long, narrow shape with two rounded protuberances at the base. The end had a cap, or head. The whole thing was smoothly iced in flesh-colored frosting or fondant, and little swirls of dark brown icing adorned the two swellings at the base.

In short, it was a penis cake.

A chunk was missing from one of the testicles, as if someone had leaned over and taken a bite right out of the ball. The cake inside was dark and chocolatey.

I stood there a moment, stunned. Here i was, in the Admissions office of a private, conservative Christian college, and someone had left a penis cake in our van. The van that only enrollment counselors use.

I taped up the box and wrote a 'DO NOT OPEN' note on the top. I put the cake into the refrigerator and stepped into the Director's office.

Me: Hi. Do you have a second?
Director: Sure.
M: Um, Facilities is taking our van for an oil change, and they told me that there was something left in it, so I went out there to bring it in. And it's a penis cake.
D: . . . . . .
M: I didn't really know what to do, so I thought I should tell you about it.
D: . . . Huh. Okay. Thanks for letting me know about that. *giggle* Uh, okay!
M: Yeah. That's all. It's in our refrigerator now.
D: Is the box clear?
M: No, it's cardboard. I taped it closed.
D: Okay, good. Thanks.

We're still waiting to find out who it belongs to and what we should do with it.

Update: After some discussion of sneaking it into the President's office and leaving it there with no note, we decided to slice it up and serve it to the little old ladies in the building. Because if anyone deserves a big, moist, melt-in-your-mouth delicious piece of . . . cake, it's little old ladies. Am i right?

When we cut into it, a thick white jelly-like substance squirted out.


  1. i don't think our office will ever have a better day. amiright?