for Bryan

Lately, i've been writing here and there about Bryan. In a little while, i will probably stop. Because in a few days, Bryan will probably not be sick anymore. In a few days, he will likely have passed on to a place where he will never be sick again, where he won't be wasted and in pain, where he can sleep through the night and eat solid food and walk around outside, where no one will care if he likes boys and dresses, where he can sing and dance and strut down a sassy catwalk on glittering gold platform heels.

One of Bryan's friends has set up a Facebook page for people to trade memories. Another friend has recorded and shared a cover of Jimmy Eat World's "Hear You Me", just for Bryan. And i've been listening to Ingrid Michaelson on a loop.

I don't know if this is everyone, or just the people i know and love, but music so often provides us with the vocabulary for our suffering. And Bryan has always been an intensely musical person, always singing and dancing and listening to something, whether Lady Gaga, Handel, Christina Aguilera, Broadway show tunes, Disney songs, or some goofy radio Top 40 hit. He always knew all the words, never missing a note, and never failing to infuse his own personality, his own spark, into the music, whether with his outrageous dance moves or his parodic falsetto.

may angels lead you in

hear you me my friends

on sleepless roads the sleepless go

may angels lead you in

we are so fragile, and our

our cracking bones make noise

and we are just

breakable

breakable

breakable

girls and boys

the storm is coming

but i don't mind

people are dying

i close my blinds

all that i know is i'm breathing now

. . .

i want to believe in more than you and me

but all that i know is i'm breathing

all i can do is keep breathing

all we can do is keep breathing now

i am beautiful

no matter what they say

words can't bring me down

i am beautiful

in every single way

yes, words can't bring me down

so don't you bring me down today

they say there's linings made of silver

folded inside each raining cloud

well we need someone to deliver

our silver lining now

and are we there yet?

i don't give a damn 'bout my reputation

you're living in the past, it's a new generation

a girl can do what she wants to do and that's what i'm gonna do

and i don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation

oh no, not me

and i don't give a damn 'bout my reputation

never said i wanted to improve my station

and i'm only doin' good when i'm havin' fun

and i don't have to please no one

and i don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation

oh no, not me, oh no, not me

i don't give a damn 'bout my reputation

i've never been afraid of any deviation

and i don't really care if you think i'm strange

i ain't gonna change

and i'm never gonna care about my bad reputation

where are we

what the hell is going on

the dust has only just begun

to fall

UPDATE: Bryan passed early this morning.

carry on, my wayward son
there'll be peace when you are done
lay your weary head to rest
don't you cry no more