colin you're like freaking me out

1. I'm freaking out right now

2. There are SO many good things here, but quoting them all would be lazy. Go read the article in full. 

"When we talk of saving oneself for marriage as an act of self-control, we necessary (sic) posit those who do not wait as unable or less able to control themselves. In doing so, we remove from them the idea that they make the decision to have sex of their own volition. It prevents those who do not wait from owning their decisions -- and thus understanding themselves as sexual beings capable of autonomy and consent, rather than souls who just temporarily lost control of their bodies.

This, to me, is where the post-evangelical discussion of self-control fails. Having premarital sex still, in this mindset, ends up being categorized as a failure of holiness, as a failure of one's will or relationship with God, which prevents the experience from being something in which one can learn about one's self and one's wants and desires and pleasures. It necessarily demonizes the flesh (and therefore one's sexuality) by making it into something that must be tamed rather than something that must be understood. Instead of framing the experience in a positive - 'Why did I make that choice and what can I learn about myself from it? Was it healthy?' - it necessarily interjects a negative - 'Failed to control myself again.'"

3. God, i love Cracked. Here's a hilarious and insightful article about how men screw themselves over in romantic situations.

"One of the weirdest things about high school is that they don't teach you the really important shit that you need in order to survive. We spent so much time in health class learning how to prevent teenage pregnancy and crotch diseases that we didn't realize until long after we'd graduated that they never showed us how to go about it when we were old enough to actually want that stuff that biology was pressing for.

Not the fucking. That's not what this article is about. I'm talking about all the stuff that leads up to it. Meeting the right person, how to approach them, what to say, how to present yourself. The most basic part of any relationship: finding someone. Because, let's be honest here, if you came into this article hoping it would answer your question of 'Why won't this bitch fuck me?' you have several stages of growing up to do before you're even mature enough to handle the discussion, let alone the woman."

4. There is still a LONG way to go before Exodus International can repair the damage they've done. But this and this are good first steps.

"From a Judeo-Christian perspective, gay, straight, or otherwise, we're all prodigal sons and daughters. Exodus International is the prodigal's older brother, trying to impose its will on God's promises, and make judgments on who's worthy of His kingdom. God is calling us to be the Father -- to welcome everyone, to love unhindered."

The next book i'm tackling is "The Year of Living Biblically", by A. J. Jacobs. A.J. is an extremely engaging writer, and his neuroses and anxieties are all too familiar. While this isn't a theological treatise or a spiritual reflection or anything like that, i'm still excited to add it to my spiritual reading list. After all, some of the books that have provided me with my greatest spiritual awakenings have been fiction, or poetry, or decidedly un-religious. God meets us where we are. And after spending the last couple of years frustrated and baffled by the large pockets of Christianity that insist on a "literal interpretation" and "straight reading" of the Bible, it's refreshing to see someone do exactly that. A.J.'s approach highlights some of the conflicts and difficulties (and absurdities) of this kind of scriptural understanding.

For example, when discussing the struggles that he and his wife had to conceive, he cites the command to "be fruitful and multiply". It's the first thing God tells Adam to do, the first commandment in the Bible.

"Now, if I were taking the Bible absolutely literally, I could be "fruitful" by loading up on peaches at Whole Foods Market and "multiply" by helping my niece with her algebra homework. I could scratch this commandment off my list in twenty minutes flat.
"This hammers home a simple but profound lesson: When it comes to the Bible, there is always -- but always -- some level of interpretation, even on the most seemingly basic rules."

There are a couple of things i want to point out here: first, because the phrase "be fruitful and multiply" is so old, and because the concept of fruitfulness has so long been tied to human fertility, and because the concept of increasing your family has been so important to so many cultures for so long, we forget that this is actually a metaphor. It's easy to see those words and read their meaning and forget that we are interpreting, but we absolutely are. It is not possible for a human being to literally be fruitful, although multiplication is certainly attainable.

Second, i'm neither a history buff nor a math whiz, so i may be wrong here, but i'm not sure that multiplication was invented when God said that. I'm not even sure it was invented whenever that passage was written. I think that the original word is probably more like "increase" than "multiply", which means that even if A.J. had done a few quick sums, he would still have failed at a perfect literal following of the text, because of a translation error. The Bible is full (like, bursting and exploding at the seams full) of translation errors and oddities, and probably tons of transcription errors that we don't even know about. What is the virtue of following the Bible literally if the words are not correct? Do you get points just for trying? And if so, why is it not okay to try to interpret the text? Do you not get points for trying to get closer to the meaning that the author actually intended?

A.J. also had some really great insights about prayer. This is something i've been struggling with a lot lately: why do we pray? How do we pray? When do we pray? What do we pray about? I won't ramble all of my thoughts here now, but i will leave you with A.J.'s:

"In Deuteronomy, the Bible says that we should thank the Lord when we've eaten our fill -- grace after meals, it's called . . .
"I'd like to thank God for the land that he provided so that this food might be grown . . .
"I'd like to thank the farmer who grew the chickpeas for this hummus. And the workers who picked the chickpeas. And the truckers who drove them to the store. And the old Italian lady who sold the hummus to me at Zingone's deli and told me 'Lots of love.' Thank you . . .
The prayers are helpful. They remind me that the food didn't spontaneously generate in my fridge. They make me feel more connected, more grateful, more aware of my place in this complicated hummus cycle. They remind me to taste the hummus instead of shoveling it into my maw like it's a nutrition pill. And they remind me that I'm lucky to have food at all. Basically, they help me get outside of my self-obsessed cranium."

I've been doing a lot of reading and writing and thinking lately (really, for most of my life, if i'm being honest) about food and food ethics and how i can consume more ethically and what is healthy for my body and what is healthy for my mind and heart and spirit and what is healthy for the bodies of others. So connecting that whole food conundrum to spirituality, and particularly to the prayer conundrum, was really eye-opening.

Psalm 66-150, Proverbs 1-18

How long has it been between these posts? Two weeks? Whatever; i'm covered by the blood of the Lamb, right?

Moving on.

Psalm 139 is probably my favorite right now. Poetically, i hate it; or rather, i hate the author, because he beat me to this. I wanted to write this psalm, and i've tried to a couple of times, but he already stole all of the ideas. Other poets suck, and i love them for it.

Full disclosure: one time, i was really pissed at God, and i wrote a reverse-imitatio of this psalm. Basically, i just changed a few words here and there to talk about how i felt like God had abandoned me. It was a terrible poem, but i felt better afterwards.

vs. 9-10
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

vs. 14
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

Really, i could quote the whole thing here and never write anything again and be perfectly happy, but instead i'll make you read it on your own and i'll keep up with the second-rate blather.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

I grew up in a denomination called Nazarene (similar to Baptist or Methodist). One of the things we do is a scouting program (like Boy Scouts, only even more religious) for kids from 1st through 6th grade. Kids do traditional scouting things (knot-tying, pinewood derby car racing, tent pitching, fishing, etc.), and also study the history and theology of the Nazarene church. It's pretty cool, actually, and helps cut down on kids who are like, "Well, I'm (fill in denomination here), which is, like, different from other ones? I guess? I think we baptize babies or something."
Anyway, Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of our big memory verses every year. And really, it's a good one. Trust God.

Proverbs 8:1
Does not wisdom cry out,
And understanding lift up her voice?

Shout out to all my teacher friends!
And, uh, me, i guess. I'll be teaching soon (Lord willin' and the crick don't rise), and then i'll be one of those lifting up my voice for wisdom and understanding. I've been doing it for many years now on a smaller scale, and i'm looking forward to a captive audience.
Because seriously, guys, wisdom cries out and understanding lifts up her voice. Just listen, okay? Geez.

Proverbs 16:3
Commit your works to the Lord,
And your thoughts will be established.

I think about sin a lot. (Hubba, hubba.) No, but for real: i spend a pretty good chunk of time pondering the nature of sin and badness and evil and how we can rise above it. So many things are habit, or we don't know that they're wrong, or the thoughts and words come so quickly and sometimes we can't pull them back in time. Sometimes it really does seem like we are rotten to the core and can't do anything about that, and like trying is pointless because how can you ever conquer all the sin in your heart, anyway? if you lived long enough to do that, you'd also live long enough to pick up all kinds of new sins. And either we're covered by grace or we're not, so just do your best and don't worry about it, right?
Well, yeah, but also no. Do your best, and don't worry about it, because doing your best means surrendering fully to God, who can conquer ALL of your sin. All of it? All of it. Even the ones you don't know about? Even the ones you don't know about. Even the ones that are long-held bad habits? Even those. Even the ones you're in denial about. Even all of them. Even everything. Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established.

*          *          *          *          *

Job 34-42, Psalms 1-28

Job 35:6-8
If you sin, what do you accomplish against Him?
Or, if your transgressions are multiplied, what do you do to Him?
If you are righteous, what do you give Him?
Or what does He receive from your hand?
Your wickedness affects a man such as you,
And your righteousness a son of man.

Sometimes, i hear people (especially high school and college students) agonizing over Doing the Will of God. They don't want to choose the wrong college, or the wrong major, or the wrong elective, or the wrong sandwich topping. Even the smallest action can ripple outwards to change the whole trajectory of history, and whatever you do, do it for the glory of God, so if i have pickles instead of banana peppers, World War III might happen, or the Rapture or something. And everyone i love will go to Hell. It's a natural and logical progression.

It's also crazy and heartbreaking and wrong.

Does God care about everything you do, even down to what you put on your sandwich? Yes. Is He so powerless that He can't do whatever He wants in your life regardless of where you go to college or who your roommate is or which of your family members you've "witnessed" to? No. Look at Jonah: he deliberately did the opposite of what God wanted, multiple times, and God's will was still accomplished.

This doesn't mean we can do whatever we want and trust God to pick up the slack. But it does mean that we can stop panicking about every choice we make. Think about it, pray about it, ask for advice from others, and then do something. You can always change your major, transfer to another school, have pickles AND banana peppers. Just don't make the mistake of thinking that your sin is more powerful than God's will. There is nothing you can do that can derail what God wants.

Job 40:8
Would you indeed annul My judgment?
Would you condemn Me that you may be justified?

I'm going to paraphrase a story from a source i can't remember: A man had a dream that he visited Heaven and met God. He said to God, "There is one question I have always wanted to ask You. How can You look at the world, and see all of the poverty and disease and cruelty and suffering that we go through every day, and not do anything about it?" And God said, "Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

Sometimes when we talk about the Will of God, we're copping out. We pray for the people of Haiti, who were already in pretty bad shape before the earthquake, and we trust that God will take care of them. How many of us send money, or supplies, or go to rebuild houses? How many doctors go to tend to the sick? How many wealthy people make donations to relief funds? Sure, some people gave lots of time and money and energy immediately after the earthquake, but things were shitty before and they're shitty now, and we've all moved on. We do this in lots of situations, every day, all over the world. A very small percentage of people actually get involved in the beginning, and a very small percentage of those stay involved until things are actually better. Instead of waiting for a disaster to be brought to our attention so that we can donate a week's worth of latte money right away, we should be looking for opportunities to donate, to volunteer, to support, to rebuild. Goodwill is always looking for volunteers. Soup kitchens always need donations. Not sure where to find people in need? Walk around a city in the evening. Go to the park. Look for homeless people settling down for the night. I know people always feel weird about giving money (what if they use it to buy alcohol?! Horrors!), and i personally never carry cash, but you can buy a cheeseburger or a cup of soup or maybe some coffee and bring a cold, hungry person some dinner. I've seen college students literally give the coats from their backs, because they might be cold on the way back home, but they're going back home; they'll survive. I've spent a lot of time this semester talking about all the times and ways that God is not very nice to us, from neglect to actual mistreatment, but the fact that God doesn't always help us in the way we think we should be helped does not excuse us from the responsibility of helping one another.

Psalm 4:4
Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.

I'm about to get all pop-psychology touchy-feely for a minute. I think that we should spend less time worrying about controlling our emotions or making sure that our emotions are appropriate and just allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling.

It's not always appropriate to give way to your emotions entirely. Say you're teaching a class, right, and say that you're gay, and say that your students don't know this, and say that one of your students makes a rude and terrible homophobic remark. Your immediate reaction, your immediate emotion, might be to scream and shout and cry and swear at the kid. You will get fired, and the kid probably won't learn anything. In the moment, you should gently and politely and firmly explain that that kind of remark is intolerant and rude and you won't allow it in your classroom. You may even be able to have a "teachable moment", and take some time to open up a class discussion about homophobia and LGBTQI issues and appropriate ways for us to all interact with one another. But when you go home at the end of the day, you should scream and shout and cry and swear. You should go for a long, hard run. You should beat up a punching bag. You should play the piano. You should do whatever you need to do to work through that anger and hurt. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be hurt. Let your feelings work themselves out on their own time. But don't ever make the mistake of thinking that your feelings aren't important and can be ignored. They can't. If you don't take care of them now, they'll fester and explode out at an even less appropriate time.

Let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling, and don't feel guilty about it, but don't sin. Don't let your feelings be an excuse for bad behavior (like yelling at a student who may not have known that that was an offensive term).

Christians somehow have honed in on all of the verses about cheerfulness and joy and gladness, and have ignored all the verses like this one, and have inferred that the greater your faith, the bigger your smile. We have somehow come away with the impression that Christians are only allowed to access "positive" emotions, and that the rest of them are inappropriate. I think that, regardless of religious orientation, healthy people allow themselves access to a full range of emotions, and focus on working through their feelings and channeling them into productive avenues, rather than trying to shut down the ones we don't like.

Judges 11-21, Ruth, 1 Samuel 1-24

Saul often gets a tough break when we talk about the kings of Israel. He was the first one, and he was followed by David, who was the favorite of God and ancestor of Christ and all kinds of other impressive things. Plus there was that whole thing where Saul was jealous and kept trying to kill David, and when they were picking a king Saul hid because he didn't want to be considered, and he lied and was cowardly and violent and rude. He started out as God's anointed, but everything went pear-shaped somehow.

According to the text, God sent "a distressing spirit" to Saul. In fact, according to 1 Samuel 16:14, God actually left Saul before sending the distressing spirit.

God left Saul and sent spirits to distress him, and then Saul started acting crazy. Let's put two and two together here. This goes along with some of the frustrations i've felt toward God lately: God sends spirits to trouble people and then they are judged by their peers and by history for a judgement God visited upon them.

I know Saul was not blameless. I just think it's a good idea to approach the people around us with grace. Who knows what kind of spirit God might have sent to them?

1 Peter 3-5, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude, Revelations 1-2

1 Peter 4:8
And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins."

2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

Earlier this year, there was a whole lot of hoopla about Hell. A bunch of people wrote a bunch of books and blogs posts and articles about how there might not really be a Hell. There's a Heaven, but there's no place of ultimate suffering and punishment for all eternity where God condemns people who died without ever hearing about Him or before they were old enough to become Christians or whatever.

I haven't read most of that stuff, because honestly? I don't care.

The Bible has plenty of stuff to back either argument. Hell is mentioned explicitly as a place where sinners spend eternity, but there are also lots of verses like the above that talk about second chances (and third, and fourth, and so on), and God's abundant mercy and boundless grace, and these verses seem to hint that even death isn't eternal, that maybe you can repent at any time.

But again, i don't really care.

I'm not in this because i want eternal life in Heaven, although i am hoping for a library that's a cross between the one in Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" and the one in Neil Gaiman's "Sandman", where i can set up a bed and a pot of tea and spend a few millenia reading.

And i'm not in this because i'm scared of Hell, although if there is a place of fire and brimstone and eternal torture it would be nice to avoid it, especially if i can go to the aforementioned place of endless reading and tea and worship and whatnot instead.

I'm a Christian, i'm religious, i'm spiritual, i'm a person of faith, because i've met Jesus and have been irrevocably changed. I believe the things that i believe because i've seen them. I'm in a relationship with Someone who loves me unconditionally, who believes in me, who helps me become a better version of myself, who encourages me to show others the same unconditional love and faith and help. Everything in my life is better because of this relationship.

I don't know what happens when we die. I do believe in some kind of Heaven, but despite my flippant remarks above, i have no idea what it will be like (though i suspect there will be a lot more praise and worship and community and a lot less solitary reading than i'd like to believe). I don't know who gets in and who doesn't, and i don't know what happens to the people who don't get in. I do know that no Heaven could be better than seeing the face of my Savior and hearing Him tell me that He is proud of me, and no Hell could be worse than seeing disappointment in His eyes.

So i don't live in hope of Heaven, nor in fear of Hell. I live in relationship with Jesus, trying to make Him happy every day. That's all i got.

Romans 16, 1 Corinthians 1-10

1 Corinthians 10:23
All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful; all things are lawful for me, but all things do not edify.

This, i think, is what a lot of religion should come down to in the end. Rather than a mere list of do's and don't's whose purpose is to provide a yardstick of righteousness, concentrate on the things that are helpful to you. And keep in mind that this list will not be the same for everyone. Some people (like myself) can have a couple of beers with dinner, or a glass of wine after work, and suffer no ill effects. Some people (like myself) can even get really drunk once in a while (so far, i've been drunk three times in five years), and suffer no long-term ill effects. However, i do have a lot of alcoholics in my family, so i appreciate that not everyone can do this. And while i could get really really drunk more frequently than i do (say once a month) without necessarily becoming an alcoholic and ruining my life, is it a good idea for me to do this? No. I don't want to have large chunks of my life blurry around the edges or missing entirely because i was too drunk to know what was happening. I don't want to spend long weekends hung over and miserable. I don't want to make bad decisions that i have to atone for in the morning. I don't want to damage my brain, liver, esophagus (from the stomach acid of vomit), waistline, teeth, and so forth. Having a few drinks now and then can help take the edge off of a stressful day, can help me loosen up and socialize with others, can help me warm up on a cold day, can open me up to new experiences. Plus, alcohol is delicious (seriously, Black Label toasted caramel flavored whiskey in apple cider is THE SHIT). All of these are good things. But getting drunk is not helpful and provides no edification. At least, not for me.

Instead of being built around the things that divide us, maybe religions and denominations should be built around the things that unite us. Like, instead of a church splitting over angry debates about whether or not it's okay to get tattoos, maybe they can peacefully say, "Hey, we all love Jesus, right? Okay! See you in heaven!" and then gently separate into two factions: one who believes that tattoos are not helpful or edifying, and one who believes that they can be sometimes. Or better yet, maybe they can agree to disagree, keeping in mind that all things are lawful. What is helpful for me may not be helpful for you, but that's really between me and God, isn't it?

Romans 6-15

I missed posting last week because i was in a wedding, and i nearly missed posting this week because John and i are on vacation together in New Hampshire to see an Ingrid Michaelson concert and to actually spend time together where we're not lesson planning or decorating a church for a wedding or sleeping.

So.

Romans 8:38-39
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Got that? Nothing. We can decide of our own volition to walk away from God, but no outside thing can come between us.

Romans 9:15-33
This is a long one, so let's just highlight the key verses (for me) and you can read the rest on your own.
vs. 16 -- So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy.

Mercy is entirely up to God. It's not up to you, or to me, or to your minister, or to your mom. That is simultaneously terrifying and freeing to me: no one else gets to dictate the terms of my salvation, but there's also not a lot i can do about it but surrender.

vs. 30-32 -- What shall we say then? That Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have attained righteousness, even the righteousness of faith; but Israel, pursuing the law of righteousness, has not attained to the law of righteousness. Why? Because they did not seek it by faith, but as it were, by the works of the law. For they stumbled at that stumbling stone.

Your connections, your heritage, your background, your history, your family, your checklist of right and wrong: none of it is enough. It will never be possible for you to do enough to be saved. It requires faith.

Romans 12:9, 18
Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. . . . If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
13:8
Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves one another has fulfilled the law.
14:10 But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgement seat of Christ.
14:12-13
So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way.

I think all of that pretty much speaks for itself.

I meant i wanted to make out with Daniel Radcliffe and put hexes on people.

I know i've said that i wish Harry Potter was real. I know i've talked about the profound effect it had on my childhood, my teenhood, and my young adulthood. I know some part of me still believes that if i lean on the barrier between platforms 9 and 10 at King's Cross Station, i'll fall through to platform 9 3/4 just in time to board the scarlet train to Hogwarts.

Fortunately, the universe has decided to grant my request and bring elements of Harry Potter's world into my own. Unfortunately, it's only bringing the parts that suck.

Fifteen years ago, when my parents were building a new house, we went to visit the construction site. And you know those yellow and black garden spiders? The ones that usually grow to about the size of a half-dollar?

These fuckers.

They're already on the large size for American spiders, but as it turns out, most spiders don't really have a maximum size. They just grow until they die. And most of the time, a bird (one of God's angels in disguise) or a right-thinking human (led by the Holy Spirit) will smash the spider into jelly as soon as it's large enough to be visible. Because they are the descendants of Satan, and allowing them to survive is the Original Sin.

But some spiders manage to escape the just wrath of the Lord, and they grow to truly terrifying sizes. The yellow garden spider on the side of our half-finished house was not the size of a half-dollar. It was not the size of my hand. It was not the size of a basketball player's hand. It was the size of a dinner plate.

In Maryland. In a residential area. There was a spider the size of a dinner plate. Alive. Not in a museum or lab. Naturally and out in the open. That is not only sinful, it is un-American.

Another family might have made some calls to National Geographic or the Guinness Book of World Records and made themselves some cash. But with my mother hyperventilating in the passenger seat of the van, my dad had no choice but to find a brick and smash the shit out of that motherfucker.

That was in 1994. In 2003, we moved to a new house about eight miles from the first one. This one was not surrounded by soybean fields and despair. This one was surrounded by 3.25 acres of trees and bushes and poison oak and stones and a creek and neighbors. And yellow garden spiders. We never saw any plate-sized ones, but these averaged 4 or 5 inches long, and they would build huge webs on the sides of the house and garage, so there would be anywhere between 4 and 10 of them clustered together on a given day, creating a barrier of nightmares around our home.

That's not all. When we first moved in and were storing things in the basement, we found a six foot snake skin. Which means that at some point, our house in Maryland was also home to a six-foot snake. A year or so later, my mom noticed that the birds outside were making an unusual racket. When she looked at the birdhouse outside of our kitchen window, she saw two huge black snakes twining themselves around the birdhouse, slithering in and out. We're guessing they were eating the eggs. And possibly the birds.

And last night, my dad sent me a picture of a baby snake. In his toilet. Because apparently, his bathroom is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets.

When i said i wanted to live in Harry Potter's world, i did not mean that i wanted to hang out with Aragog and Nagini.

John 2-8

John 5:8-10
Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk." And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked. And that day was the Sabbath. The Jews therefore said to him who was cured, "It is the Sabbath; it is not lawful for you to carry your bed."

The man in question was a cripple. He had been unable to walk his whole life, but Jesus healed him. And the Jews immediately got upset because the man was "working" on the Sabbath.

It takes a while to finish healing. When the doctor takes the cast off of your leg, you have to work hard to regain muscle tone. The skin needs to be exfoliated and cleaned and moisturized. You need to re-learn how to walk. When you come out of rehab, it takes a while to figure out how to avoid temptation in the outside world. Beer commercials are on TV, on the sides of buses, in magazines. Pills are everywhere. The people you knew before may try to bring you back to your old ways.

Healing takes time. After the initial, painful, technical healing (detox, bones re-fusing, deciding to let go of anger, breaking off an unhealthy relationship, being miraculously healed of a chronic condition), there are millions of smaller healings that come all day, every day, for a long time.

These people were looking at a walking miracle, and they got distracted by the fact that his healing was ongoing. How often do we see a new Christian and get distracted by their potty mouth, or their smoking habit, or the clothes they wear to church? Instead of being overjoyed that they are trying, that they are growing and learning, that they have taken a big step in their lives, we get upset that they haven't taken that step the "right" way. We need to give people room to grow, room to learn, room to heal. We need to see the miracle, and ignore everything else.

John 7:52
They answered and said to Him, "Are you also from Galilee? Search and look, for no prophet has arisen out of Galilee."

There's a first time for everything, kids. Again, don't let your own preconceived ideas about the "right" way to do things distract you from the presence of the Divine.

John 8:3-11, 15
Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such be stoned. But what do You say?" This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first." And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, "Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said to her, "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more."
"You judge according to the flesh; I judge no one."

This. This right here.

At no point does Jesus make excuses for this woman; she has sinned, and He knows that and is sorrowed by it.

But neither does He judge her.

Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more . . . You judge according to the flesh; I judge no one.

He knows that she has done wrong. He asks her not to do it again. But He doesn't judge.

There is a big difference between holding someone accountable and judging them, a big difference between acknowledging that someone's choices are not beneficial to their lives and thinking less of them because of those choices.

Also, can i point out that the law of Moses that they reference (Lev. 20:10 and Deut. 22:22) state that PEOPLE caught in adultery should be killed? In fact, both passages are pretty clear that BOTH people are to blame, and that BOTH should be put to death. So where's the dude? How come only the woman was brought to Jesus? If she was caught in the act, the guy must have been there. So where is he now?

Mark 1-6

Mark 2:15-17
Now it happened, as He was dining in Levi's house, that many tax collectors and sinners also sat together with Jesus and His disciples; for there were many and they followed him. And when the Scribes and Pharisees saw Him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, they said to His disciples, "How is it that He eats and drinks with tax collectors and sinners?" When Jesus heard it, He said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."

I could write a whole series of posts about the frustrations i have with the church, but Matthew Paul Turner already has that covered. But one thing that has been on my heart a lot in the past year or so is that it seems like the Church only exists for the Church. Sure, we do missions work and give to charities and whatnot, but the majority of our programming, the majority of our funding, our time, and our energy, goes to the Church. We don't seem to want to reach out to anyone, to bring anyone in, unless they're already a Christian. It's like one big circle jerk, with everyone just making themselves feel better and accomplishing nothing.

I don't want to talk about Chik-Fil-A anymore. I'm tired. All i want to say is that it is a really good example of what i'm talking about. What did this whole thing accomplish? Who was brought to Christ because of this week's demonstrations? Earlier in the week, i read a blog post (can't remember where), where the author talked about how we push LGBTQ people away. She said to go ahead and vote your conscience, vote your morality, but when you put out that lawn sign about voting down equal marriage, did any gay people come knock on your door and say, "Thank you so much for showing me the error of my ways! Please, get your Bible and show me how I can live a better life."? That never happened. Your efforts to deny civil rights to a group of people who just want to be treated as people did nothing to further the Kingdom. 

Let me be clear: i am not advocating any particular stance about homosexuality. I've written about this before, and i stick to my position of non-position. If you think that it's a sin, that's your prerogative. But you should know that you are treating sinners the wrong way. Jesus said not to hide our lights under baskets, but isn't that exactly what we're doing? We are showing light only to those who can already see. We are comforting only those who are already happy. We are handing out Band-Aids only to those who are perfectly healthy, while all around us people are dying.

We need to stop this, guys. We need to stop scheduling church events for church people. Do we really need seven different Sunday School classes for people under 25? Do we really need six pot-lucks a year, three Sunday services every week, rotating worship teams? Might that time, energy, talent, and money be better spent volunteering in a soup kitchen, or giving blood, or playing a free outdoor concert of good music where people are encouraged to mingle and talk? Instead of evangelizing, why don't we converse? Instead of arguing, why don't we dialogue? Why are we incapable of leaving room at the table for love?

We need to end the myth of saving people for Church. We have all sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God, and we all continue to do so every single damn day. Mike Warnke, a Christian comedian, once talked about the futility of getting cleaned up to take a bath. We don't need to purify ourselves for Christ. We don't need to become perfect for the Church. We don't need to stop sinning to worship, to fellowship, to pray. Rather, we become holy through these things.

There are people in the world dying of spiritual cancer, and we keep offering Band-Aids to people with skinned knees. Let's stop that bullshit, okay? Let's focus on the things that matter, things like poverty and disease and hunger and education and discrimination and rape and murder and drugs and human trafficking. Because here's the thing: when you've healed the cancer, you don't have to worry so much about things like skinned knees. They will take care of themselves.

by our love

People in the Church spend a frankly inordinate amount of time talking about things that are Christian vs. things that are not Christian. This is silly, because Christian is a noun, and not an adjective. Christ-like is an adjective, but not one we use as often, probably because it's harder to beat people down with. Christ wasn't really a big fan of beating people down, after all. He was more about loving people, openly and freely and gently and overwhelmingly. But you can't shame sinners with language like that, so instead we talk about things and people being unChristian.

The Bible being a complicated, old, and contradictory collection of texts, it can be hard for the discerning Pharisee -- oops, i mean Christian neighbor -- to delineate exactly what things and people are Christian and which ones are not.

Fortunately, this is one of the few things about which Christ was pretty clear. No parables here, no metaphors, no miracles. Just very plain language: "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:35, NKJV)

If the things we are doing or saying are not obviously loving, if they come from a place of judgement or pride instead of a place of love and kindness, if we speak and do for the sake of proving ourselves right over someone else instead of for the sake of loving someone better, we are not behaving as Christ would have us behave. This is the measure of how "Christian" we are.

We will walk with each other
We will walk side by side
And we'll guard each man's dignity and save each man's pride
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love.
--Peter Scholtes

a little less hope

Have you ever met one of those couples that, when you look at them, you think, "That's it. That's the real thing."? Every time you see them together, you have a little more hope in relationships. You know that love is real, and that love lasts.

Have you ever seen that couple ripped apart by infidelity and lies?

My star couple fell in love in a matter of weeks. They spent every minute together. They were best friends. I lived with her two summers in a row. One of those summers was right before her wedding in August.

I went to their wedding. They were the first couple that John and i went on a double date with. I saw them at events, helped her plan an elaborate birthday party for him, watched their life together grow for nearly three years.

Then the truth was revealed: during their engagement, he had cheated on her twice. Scared and disoriented by the speed at which their relationship was progressing, he panicked and did something terrible.

He had also been addicted to prescription pain killers and pornography for nearly their entire relationship. While she knew that he had had these struggles in the past, he had assured her that it was all over. Five months after they started dating, it all started again. He even stole pills from members of her family.

They're in counseling, but they don't know yet where they will end up. She wants to leave, but she feels that the right thing to do is to give it one last try.

Last night, she got very drunk, made out with a stranger, and ended up in the ER. Her husband met us there and drove us home. She asked him to put her rings back on her hand. It may mean nothing, or it may mean everything. A bond like theirs can withstand a lot. But it has taken a pretty heavy blow. Even if they survive this, we all know now that things like this can happen. Grief like this can come to any of us. Love is not all you need.

I still have hope in them, in love. It's just a little bit less.

Sleight-of-Hand Salvation

Some Christians seem to feel that God is a carnival magician, hiding truth like a bean under a cup. The only way to win salvation is to correctly guess which cup hides the bean. But i think God is just happy that we're playing at all. God wants us to want Him, to chase after Him, to pursue the ultimate prize of a relationship with Him. We should care less about getting to Heaven some day than we do about drawing near to God today. When you stop caring about the prize and focus on the game, you'll find much more value in both.

My salvation is not contingent upon whether or not i guess the truth correctly. Nor is my salvation contingent upon how many of my friends guess the truth correctly. My salvation is contingent upon whether or not i love God and love others.

I'm sick of the either/or approach to Christianity. As if any of us have all the right answers. I think a lot of us probably have some right answers, but arguing about which people and which answers will get us nowhere. It's much better to listen to one another in love, pray earnestly, read the Bible, and decide in your own heart how to live your life.

There are times when we must hold one another accountable. But that is a personal accountability. One person going to another in love and having a conversation. You can't just tell them that they're wrong. Talk to them. See if, together, you can figure out where they strayed from the path. It may be that you'll discover that you're the one who is off track. Go to one another quietly and in love, and talk and pray together to grow closer to the truth. Don't be harsh or condemnatory. Don't assume that your spiritual discomfort on their behalf means that you are right. Be willing to listen. Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to agree to disagree, understanding that your rightness or wrongness has no effect on your salvation.

It's not about guessing the right cup. It's about playing games with God. He just wants to hang out. And when our goal is growing closer to Him rather than finding the salvation bean, we end up accomplishing both of those ends. Christianity is a relationship, not a contest. According to Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct behavior: "There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted." Think of God in these terms: the affection is the entertainment. The point isn't that you're winning a giant stuffed teddy bear or seeing an amazing concert. The point is that you're spending time together. The other stuff is a nice bonus, and it's always better to experience something wonderful with someone you love. But the point should always be the someone, and not the something.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." -- Matthew 6:33 When all we care about is winning the game, we will likely lose, and even the winners will experience little or no pleasure in their victory. But when we focus on the joy of the game, not only are we more likely to win, but we want to keep playing even after it's all over. Which is good, because an eternity in Heaven is going to be a freaking long time, so we should be excited at the prospect of hanging out with the people there.

gay marriage

"And that is why I cannot give pederasty anything like a first place among the evils of the Coll. There is much hypocrisy on this theme. People commonly talk as if every other evil were more tolerable than this. But why? Because those of us who do not share the vice feel for it a certain nausea, as we do, say, for necrophily? I think that of very little relevance to moral judgement. . . The real reason for all the pother is, in my opinion, neither Christian nor ethical. We attack this vice not because it is the worst but because it is, by adult standards, the most disreputable and unmentionable, and happens also to be a crime in English law. The World will lead you only to Hell; but sodomy may lead you to jail and create a scandal, and lose you your job. The World, to do it justice, seldom does that."
C. S. Lewis -- Surprised by Joy

I'm going to start by stealing C. S. Lewis' disclaimer: I'm not gay, and i've never even questioned my sexuality a little bit, so i'm not really qualified to say anything on this topic.

On the other hand, i'm a Christian, and i have a lot of friends and family who are gay/bi/other. These people are very near and dear to my heart, and if nothing else, i've had to figure out how to relate to them in light of my faith. Because you can say "Love the sinner, hate the sin" until you're blue in the face, but how does that actually play out in your daily life? How can you love someone while hating something that is such an integral part of their identity? And is it really a sin?

I was confronted with my first real outrage over this issue in my freshman year of college. I was in an honors philosophy seminar, and we all split into groups to create video presentations on different controversial topics. One group did their presentation on gay marriage. After showing their video to the whole class and talking about the project, the topic was opened up for further discussion and debate.

One guy said, "I plan to marry my girlfriend one day, and I don't want to think that a sinful marriage could be made legal and could take away from what we have together."

At the time, i was strongly against gay marriage, and considered homosexuality to be an absolute sin. But even i thought that this was a bullshit argument.

Britney Spears got married in Vegas, and when she came to her senses the next day she had it annulled. The whole marriage only lasted about 55 hours. But she married a man. I know real people too, not just celebrities, who got married to the wrong person for the wrong reason. I know people who have abused or been abused by their spouses, people who have cheated or been cheated on, people who decide to get divorced because they're just not in love anymore. My mother knew after only a few years that she had made a mistake in marrying my dad, but she stayed with him for nearly twenty years anyway, and brought four kids into a marriage that she knew was a bad one. But the people i'm talking about are in heterosexual partnerships. So apparently, none of this destroys the sanctity of marriage, yet two people who love one another and want to make a lifelong commitment do destroy that sanctity, if they happen to be of the same gender.

There are plenty of heterosexual partnerships that are loving and committed. And there are plenty of homosexual partnerships that are full of infidelity and deceit. But none of that is really the point.

The point is that someone else's marriage has no effect on yours. If i have a bad marriage, it doesn't matter whether i'm married to a man or a woman. Either way, it won't destroy your marriage. Each marriage must stand or fall on its own strength.

Here's what i think about marriage: it has three basic components. The first is relational. Two people who care about one another deeply decide that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. It's all about romance and having children and growing old together. The second is legal. You're picking a person who gets to visit you in the hospital and decide whether or not to pull the plug on you. If you die, they take the kids. Stuff like that. You have to get a marriage certificate, and unlike in a purely relational union, if you want to sever ties, you have to go through all kinds of legal proceedings. The third component is communal. You are calling your friends and loved ones to bear witness to this relationship. Being married means that other people are now related to you. Your friends become his friends, and vice versa. You are asking your loved ones to recognize and support your relationship (and if you are religious, you are also asking your god or gods to recognize and bless your relationship). But for atheistic hetero- or homosexual unions, the communal aspect is limited to friends and family.

I know of couples who live together for many years without any legal or communal recognition of their relationship. I know couples who get legally married without communal recognition or romantic attachment. And i know couples who consider themselves married in the eyes of God, with or without the recognition of governments or the community. It is possible to have what we call a marriage without all three of these components necessarily being present.

I think it's time for a few different things to happen. The first has to be coming up with new words for a marriage with no religious component. Because marriage is a sacrament of the Christian church, Christians have the right to decide who gets to get married. We can't say anything about civil unions, but we can say who gets to have God and a minister unite them in holy matrimony. That is our call to make. So for the purposes of this post, i will now refer to all "holy matrimony" as marriage, and all "civil unions" as unions.

The second thing that has to happen is the nationwide federal and state legalization of gay unions. The Church gets to decide who can get married. She has no say in who can be united. At least, not in the good ol' US of A, where we have separation of church and state built into our constitution.

The third thing that has to happen is that representatives of the different Christian churches (Catholic and Protestant) have to gather for a council. Not a conference, but like a new Council of Nicaea. We're long overdue for another one of these; the last one was in the mid-60s. The Christian church has to spend some serious time in prayer and reflection and conversation and study of the Scriptures, and when they are done, they need to make a ruling once and for all about the morality of homosexuality. Then, based on the outcome of that discussion, the Church can decide whether or not gay marriage should be a thing.

I realize that there are many homosexuals who are deeply religious and who consider God to be an integral part of their lives and relationships. And i can understand how hurtful it would be for us to say, "Sorry, you guys can't get married for a while. We're debating the issue. We'll let you know. But go ahead and have a justice of the peace unite you in a civil ceremony." And if the Council decides that gay marriage is, in fact, sinful, i can't even imagine how deeply hurtful it would be to be told that you and your partner can never be married in the eyes of God. It would be small consolation to be certain in your own heart and mind that God approves of your union, and that He bears witness to it and will bless your relationship. And this is where i have to restate my disclaimer and say that i don't have anything to say. I wish i did, but i don't.

I'm still not sure whether or not it's a sin to be gay. I've been back and forth over this issue in the last four years, and i haven't really landed anywhere yet.

Here's what i do know: God is the one who gets to make the final call. Since i've never doubted my sexuality, the issue doesn't have a whole lot of bearing on the state of my soul. If i decide that it is a sin, i can pray in love for the people i know who are caught in this sin, and i can continue to grow closer to God in my own life. And if i decide that it's not, i can still pray in love for the people i know who are gay, or straight, or anything else, because everyone needs prayer. And whatever i decide will have no bearing on what God decides. I don't get to condemn someone to Hell just because i don't like the things that they do. But i also don't get to save them from Hell if i condone their behavior. Only God gets to make that call.

I know it sounds like i'm pulling the God card to avoid making a decision. I'd be lying if i said there was no truth to that. But i honestly do believe that what is sinful for one person may not be sinful for another, that only God gets to make the final call on anyone, and that salvation is based on the intentions of your heart, not on whatever missteps you might make along the way. All i can do is try to live my own life the way that i believe God has told me to live my own life, and pray in love for others. It's not up to me to discover sin in the lives of those around me, or to save them from that sin. All i can do is pray that they are open with themselves and with God.

God Grades on Effort

Some Christians treat Heaven like an exclusive college: we may not have to know all of the answers perfectly, but if we don't get good enough scores on our SATs, or if our GPA or class rank is too low, we won't get in. We work hard to make the cutoff, putting in extra credit work here and there in an effort to raise our scores. We evangelize, give to charity, attend church, pray, fast, and so on, and we piously say that we are storing up for ourselves treasures in Heaven, that our Reward will make all of this suffering and sacrifice worthwhile, that we are carrying our crosses and bearing our thorns for the glory of His name.

Some Christians, on the other hand, don't really spend that much time thinking about the afterlife. We know that it's there, and we are reasonably certain of our chances of getting there, but we don't worry about it beyond that. When we pray, we do so because we want to talk to God, not because we know that we are "supposed" to pray. When we do extra credit work, we do it because we care about other people and want to reach out to them in love, not because we are trying to get more points or win more souls to Christ. We just want to give of our plenty to those who are in need, whether that giving is in the form of money, time, or abilities.

When Jesus was asked to choose the greatest of the commandments, He said to love God with everything we have, and to love one another at least as well as we love ourselves. Now, He did give us lots of other instructions about how to go about loving God and people, but at bottom, everything He said comes back to those commandments. Love God, love people. We should love one another because we are all human beings, and we are all brothers and sisters in the human race. We are all made in God's image. You don't help your little sister tie her shoes because you think your mom will give you money for it (at least, most of the time you don't). You do it because she is your sister, and no matter how annoying it is to have to take care of her, and teach her how to do things, and delay your life to make sure that hers gets on track, you still love her (grudgingly, exasperatedly, deeply), because she is your sister.

(NB: Jesus did not say that we have to like everyone. Just that we have to love them. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis said that the key to this passage is "loving as you love yourself". Think of the way you love yourself: you may not wake up every day thinking, "I am awesome. I wish I could spend more time with me. I am simply the coolest thing since sliced bread," but you still love yourself. You take care of yourself, not because you are awesome, but because you are you. You try to take care of your own best interests, to preserve your health and dignity, to make yourself happy and content. We should love one another in this way, even when we don't particularly want to be friends with one another.)

I don't think God worries too much about what your score is. I think He knows the difference between someone who is searching for Him and someone who is trying to find the right answer, and i think that He grades on effort, not on results. Consider 1 Samuel 16:7, where Samuel is trying to find the next King of Israel. He keeps guessing wrong, and God tells him not to fixate so much on how things look, but to pay attention to what is inside. In other words, don't tally the score, just look at the intent. Or look at Psalm 37:23-24, where the psalmist praises God's protection of His loved ones. We're going to make mistakes, but we're not going to totally implode, because God is protecting us. He knows the hearts of those who love Him.

In The Last Battle (this is a very C. S. Lewis-heavy post), Aslan has a conversation with a guy who has served Tash (a false, evil god) his whole life. Aslan reassures him of his place in Heaven, saying (this is a paraphrase): "I am so good that any good done in the world is done in my name. And Tash is so evil that any bad done in the world is done in his name. Once people start looking to do good for its own sake, they are really looking for me, and once they look to do bad for its own sake, they are really looking for Tash. You would not have looked so hard or so earnestly if it wasn't me you were looking for."

God isn't playing games. He's not going to keep you out of Heaven because you scored below a certain level, or because you didn't learn all of the required vocabulary, or because your letter of recommendation was not sufficiently impressive. He knows the hearts of those who are truly seeking Him, and He has promised that those who seek will find.

Because I Said So

As stated in an earlier post, i have issues with the position (held by some Christians, but not all) of absolute biblical inerrancy. I won't restate my earlier disclaimers in their entirety, but i will sum them up in case you are too lazy/stupid/both to go back and read them:

Disclaimer 1: I like the Bible and find it to be greatly important in my life. I am not trying to be disrespectful of the Bible, Christians, or faith.

Disclaimer 2: I am not a Bible scholar, i have no degrees in theology/religion/philosophy/scripture/etc. I've just been studying the Bible as an amateur for 21 years, and have spent at least four hours a week nearly every week of my life in church.

I'll start by reiterating my earlier complaint: we ("we" shall hereinafter refer to "Christians") believe that the Bible is inerrant because the Bible says that it is inerrant.

Setting aside the fact that this is a pointless circular argument, let's actually examine the Biblical claims of inerrancy.

They don't exist.

Sure, there are passages that point to the reliability of Scripture, but they are both few and misleading. For example, this passage in Psalms:

     The words of the LORD are pure words,
          Like silver tried in a furnace of the earth,
          Purified seven times.
               Psalm 12:6

This passage comes from the Psalms, which are a bunch of poems in the Bible. For those of you who have never heard of poetic license, click on the link and then go yell at a teacher. For those of you who know what i'm talking about, let's all remember that "pure" and "inerrant" are not necessarily the same thing, that the Psalms are full of soaring hyperbole, and that there is some debate about which parts of the Bible can be considered the Word of God and which parts are (important, valid, but not quite divinely spoken) commentaries.

Next, we'll look at 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work."

2 Timothy is part of the New Testament. At the time when Paul wrote this letter to Timothy, the "Scripture" consisted of the Old Testament (and possibly the Apocrypha, the legitimacy of which has been widely debated in the Christian Church). So did Paul mean that only the Old Testament was "given by inspiration of God", or did he also mean to include the letter that he was writing to his friend? Much of the New Testament, in fact, is made up of letters. Imagine if, two thousand years after you died, people were debating over which of your emails they should use to guide their lives. Sure, Paul was divinely inspired in many ways, and he had a lot of good stuff to say, but he's also the guy who said that women should not be allowed to speak in public and that they should keep their heads covered at all times. I'm not saying that we should throw out everything he ever wrote just because he made a few bad calls. I am saying that we can't take everything he said at face value, because he was only a man and all people make mistakes from time to time. That's where discernment and the Holy Spirit come in.

So let's spend some time talking about what the Bible looks like, as a document. Parts of it claim to be (again, the Bible itself is making the claim) more or less direct transcriptions of what God actually said we should do and believe. Assuming that the transcriptionist got every word perfectly, that was still many thousands of years ago. Parts of the Bible have been lost. It only exists now because for many, many, many centuries it was copied out by hand over and over. It has been translated again and again and again. Not all of the versions that we have now are actually translated from the original texts. And it was written in a very different cultural context from ours. Even if we could all agree on the correct translation of a particular word, the connotations of that word may well be wildly different here and now than they were there and then.

Again, i am not saying that we should throw out the whole Bible just because some words might not mean what we think they mean. I'm saying that we should spend less time and energy obsessing over exact words. If exact words were that important, don't you think that God would have designed language in such a way as to reduce all this confusion and controversy? If exact words were that important, don't you think that God would give everyone a decoder ring as soon as they became a Christian? If exact words were that important, don't you think we could simply read the Bible and understand it and have no need to attend church services, read commentaries or apologetics, form Bible studies or discipleship groups with one another, or even pray?

The Bible is great, but it can't replace fellowship, discussion, debate, or prayer. We need one another, and we need the Holy Spirit. The Bible simply gives us a starting point for the conversation.

There are also parts of the Bible that are written by people, and do not in any way claim to be transcripts of anything that God has said. The authors were men of God (i'm not being sexist by saying "men" instead of people, because as far as i am aware there are no books of the Bible written by women), who walked closely with Him. Many of them had actually known Jesus personally and wrote stories of his life and teachings. Of course, these stories were written a few years after his death and resurrection and came entirely from their memories, without even the benefit of a backlog of Facebook photo albums and status updates to help them sort out the details. Still, there's a lot of legitimacy to saying, "Jesus said this," if you were actually in the room when the conversation happened. Even if you can't quite repeat it verbatim, we can pretty much trust you to get the gist of it. And as long as we can all agree that exact words aren't that important, the gist is all we really need.

But as i mentioned above, a lot of the New Testament is letters. While the authors of these letters (mostly Paul) were holy and righteous men of God, as well as being intelligent, wise, and well-educated, they were human, and they were writing what they thought. Some thoughts don't wear well with time, don't travel well to other cultures, and don't translate easily. Furthermore, Paul was writing to churches that he knew. He was not posting a Facebook note or blog update to all Christians everywhere. He was saying, "Hey guys, I'm the one who started your church, I've hung out with you a lot, I know the area where you live, I know the leaders in your church, I know the demographics of your congregation, and you just wrote me a letter to ask for my opinion on some specific issues. So here it is." He was not writing for all Christians everywhere, but to specific Christians whose situations he understood intimately.

Let's say you have two friends, Julie and Cindy. They are both in long-distance relationships. Julie and her boyfriend, Tim, have been dating for three years. They have talked about getting married, but now Tim has a new job that will keep him far away indefinitely. It has been hard for them to keep their relationship strong over long distance, but they have made it work. They love each other and are committed to the relationship, but Julie is nervous about moving away from everything she knows in order to marry the love of her life. She'll do it, and she knows that she'll be happy in that choice, but she's still nervous and a little sad about it. Cindy, on the other hand, met her boyfriend Mike online. They have been "dating" for three months, despite the fact that they have never met in person. Now Mike is saying that he doesn't want to move away from his home, and that Cindy should move to where he is if they want to stay together. Would you give the same advice to these two women? (If so, remind me not to become friends with you.)

Some of the things that you say to Cindy will apply to Julie, and vice versa. Some relationship advice is general enough and good enough that it applies to every situation. And some of the things you say to them will apply to friends who are in similar, though not identical, situations. But you can't just put together one manual of relationship advice and expect it to answer every situation every time (though many have tried). And if that won't work for human relationships, why would we expect it to work for divine ones?

Above all else, we must remember that God is not an architect trying to design a building (although there are a lot of great spiritual metaphors involving that idea. But every metaphor breaks down at some point). He did not intend the Bible to be a blueprint, or an instructional manual for building IKEA furniture or using a kitchen appliance. God wants to have a relationship with each and every one of us. We are all different, which means that each of us will have a different relationship with Him. It also means that we will all have to do different things to make that relationship work. There is some relationship advice that is good enough and general enough to work for everyone, and there are some similar relationships that will benefit from similar advice. But at the end of the day, there is no perfect formula for everyone to follow.

The Bible says a lot of things about itself. I have no problem trusting those things, even though i don't like circular arguments. But the Bible doesn't say that it is inerrant. It doesn't say that it is the one and only tool for living a holy and perfect life. In fact, Jesus gave lots of instructions for things like being a good example, loving people, prayer (Jesus Himself, who actually was God, spent a lot of time in prayer. Talk about being a good example), searching for truth and understanding (and blessings), and a host of other tools for living a holy and perfect life. Go ahead and check out the Gospels. Jesus was not short of concrete information. He also said that he had come not to abolish the law, but to fulfill it, and told us to heed and remember His words, and to share them with others. I'm pretty comfortable interpreting that as an instruction to read the Bible and pay attention to what it says.

In closing, i'll quote Paul, who in spite of a few weak places here and there in his writings, i still respect and admire and am glad to learn from: Test all things; hold fast (to) what is good.

Why I'm Glad to Follow The World's Worst Blueprint

Disclaimer 1: I believe in the power and infallibility (so far as that goes -- a topic for another post) of the Christian Bible. I believe that it is the holy and inspired Word of God, and that it provides invaluable guidance for a righteous life. I do not wish to disrespect its importance in my life or in the lives of others, nor do i want to suggest that the Bible is irrelevant to modern society. I do, however, want to take a realistic look at what "infallible" means, what "guidance" means, and what "interpretation" means, in the context of Scripture and holiness. And i want to do so in a lighthearted manner. So please do not be offended by anything that follows.

Disclaimer 2: I am not a theologian. I am not a minister. I am not a philosopher. I have no training in interpreting Scripture. I have not read the Bible in the original Hebrew, Aramaic, or Greek (or even in Latin). I have attended church (including Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, Caravan, Bible Quizzing, Christian youth camps and retreats, worship team, choir, youth group events, and chapel twice a week for four years) ever since i was born. I went to a Christian school for four years, where in addition to the aforementioned chapel services i took two religion courses (Biblical History and Literature and Christian Tradition), one philosophy course (Contemporary Questions, an honor's-level philosophy seminar), and one ethics course (Living Issues). All of my professors were Christians and incorporated faith into their lectures, and i also took a couple of elective courses that addressed issues of faith (Science and Religion and Psychology of Religion). While all of this has given me a large body of knowledge, experience, and information, i do not have any faith-related degrees. I am not an expert in any of the things i am about to say. (But it's the internet, so who cares?)

Rachel Held Evans, author of Evolving in Monkeytown and blogger extraordinaire, visited my school a few months ago. She had dinner with the Honor's society, gave a talk about being a writer in a largely virtual world, and spoke in chapel. Her current project is researching and writing about the idea of Biblical womanhood, a topic i will allow you to research on your own, if you are so inclined. I'm not going to do your work for you. I gave you a link to her site already.

In chapel, Rachel was talking about this concept of Biblical womanhood, and the idea espoused by many that the Bible contains blueprints for our behavior. "Just read the Scriptures," they say. "It's all there, very clear. Just do as the Bible says and you'll be fine." The problems with this philosophy are numerous, and Rachel addressed a few of them, but the thing that really stuck with me was what she said about the "blueprint" analogy.

"With a really good blueprint, there is no need to talk to the designer," she said. The better the blueprint, the less need for the contractor to ever have anything to do with the architect. It's only a poor architect who has to communicate with the builders.

This leaves us with three possible conclusions: 1) God is the world's worst architect, and we need to consult Him constantly on His design, 2) God is the world's best architect and we never need to talk to Him at all, 3) God is a really great architect, and if His purpose were to build a house we'd never need to talk to Him at all, but the Bible is not meant to be a blueprint, and God wants to talk to us constantly, about everything.

The Bible is great. It has a lot of commands directly from God about how we should live our lives. It has a lot of general advice about how to get along with people, grow spiritually, and avoid immorality. It has some incredible stories, some beautiful poetry, and some history (which, while not "accurate" according to modern Western definitions of historical accuracy, is nevertheless true and important to the world and to faith). But it is not a blueprint. It does not contain clear-cut, diamond-hard instructions for how we should live our lives.

While we're at it, let's take a moment to examine the claim of Biblical inerrancy. Where, exactly, does this idea come from? From the Bible. That's right: we believe that the Bible is inerrant because the Bible says it is. That's like if i went around saying, "I am always right about everything. Therefore, the statement i just made is correct. Therefore, i am always right about everything." That's not a convincing argument.

The Bible is very clear about a lot of things. But most of it, while it may have been inspired/dictated/based on things said or done by God, was actually written by people. We won't get into the massive game of telephone involved in the transcription, copying, translation, transliteration, editing, editorializing, and interpreting of Scripture over the last several thousand years (again, a topic for another day). I will say this: I believe that God often talks to people pretty directly. I know He's talked to me. But i don't know that what God says to one person in one context about one situation is necessarily true or right for every person in every context for every situation. It is helpful to see what God has said. It's like how lawyers and judges read old cases and rulings to research precedence. But at the end of the day, every case is unique, and while history may give you a sense of context and background, the final call always comes down to you (or you and God, if we're talking about faith and not legal proceedings).

This is what i know for sure: Salvation does not happen in a moment. It is an ongoing process. We have to keep searching for God's will in our lives, and keep checking in with Him to make sure we're in a right relationship. If we're really looking for God, we will find Him. God knows the difference between someone who is looking for Him and someone who is merely looking for the right answer.

Here is something else i know for sure: everything that God has ever told us to do, all of the law, the prophets, the commandments, the parables, everything, can be summed up in these words:

'And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these. -- Mark 12:30-31

These words came from Jesus. Even allowing for issues with transcription, translation, etc, they're pretty clear: Look for God and you will find Him, and love God and other people. All theology, all philosophy, all teachings and sermons and scriptures and everything else are simply footnotes to this.

I think the Bible is great. I think it has some stunning literature, some fascinating history, some important moral lessons, and some holy commandments from God Himself. But i don't think it should be our only resource for faith guidance. I don't even think it should be our first resource. I think our first resource should be the influence of the Holy Spirit. God speaks to our hearts directly, and leads us in the way He desires. Sometimes, sure, the path gets a little murky, and sometimes we need clarification, further instruction, assurance that things will turn out okay, or backup to advise a friend. The Bible comes in here, to support and clarify the things that the Holy Spirit has told us. But when we are facing a crisis of faith, or trying to make a major decision, or simply trying to deepen the roots of our souls, i think our first step has to be prayer. Talk to God. Listen to the Holy Spirit. Bask in the presence of Jesus. And then, for further clarification, consult the footnotes.

   

never settle

My new tattoo is about a week old on my skin, and about four years old in my head.

Some time during my freshman year of college, i think around spring break, my mom and i had a conversation about boys. I don't remember anything about this conversation except that it concluded with her saying, "Don't ever settle."

At that time, i was thinking about getting a tattoo, but couldn't decide what i wanted. I would draw doodles (usually birds) or write slogans on my skin with Sharpies (usually on my arms, because they were easiest), trying out colors and sizes and designs, but nothing seemed quite right. I tried a few variations of "never settle", but somehow it didn't quite fit. I eventually settled on the swallow tattoo that was the subject of my last post, and moved on.

I wasn't planning to get another tattoo. I still had some ideas that i liked, but nothing that seemed quite as right as the swallow.

I kept on thinking about the idea of settling, though. I thought about what it meant to settle, and what kinds of situations i had settled in before. I thought about settling romantically, academically, professionally, and spiritually.

I thought about boys i had dated and why, and determined that i would not settle for anything other than what i wanted or deserved ever again. And then i settled. Twice in a row.

I thought about classes and assignments where i should have done better but instead chose to slack off, and determined that i would never again settle for less than what i was capable of. And then i slacked off. In too many classes to mention.

I thought about the job i really wanted and what i would have to do to get it, and determined that i would let nothing get in my way. And then -- well, you can probably guess where this is going.

I spent the first three years of college settling in pretty much every area of my life. I looked for "good enough", instead of holding out for "best". Understand, i'm not trying to disparage the people in my life or the experiences i had or the places i worked. I'm just saying that anything that isn't what you really want is settling, even if it is objectively "better" than your heart's desire. A job that pays a million dollars an hour is settling, if what you really want to do is teach public school. Marrying the world's most perfect man is settling, if you're not really in love with him. Maintaining a perfect 4.0 GPA through college is settling, if you're not passionate about your studies and don't feel that you're getting a full and well-rounded experience.

All of this reflection and determination and settling culminated in the relationship with Casey, where i hung on for over a year because i thought that this was the best thing i could expect. My friend "Ben" argued with me, saying, "Right now, you think you're eating steak. But actually, it's cat food. And you think it's delicious, because you've never had steak before. But one day, you'll have real steak, and you'll be like, 'Why was I eating this shit for so long?'" Eventually, finally, i ended things with Casey, and promptly made the catastrophically bad decision to give my virginity to Theo. More settling. Like i mentioned in the earlier post, i had not had the sex that God wanted for me. I had settled for something less.

My best friend "Sue" and i actually made similar bad decisions on the same night, and talked about it quite a lot over the next few weeks. Although the decisions themselves were similar, the histories leading up to those decisions were very different. However, we were both settling. Sue, knowing nothing of the phrase from my mom that was still bouncing around in the back of my head, said to me, "Let's make a pact. You and i have spent the last three years settling for less than what we want and deserve. Let's make this year different. I think our slogan for 2010-2011 should be 'never settle'."

Of course, i agreed.

A few weeks later, i was reading some cheap celebrity magazine. I don't remember which one, but probably US Weekly. Don't judge. They had a section on tattoo placement, and explained that a rib cage tattoo is extremely painful and extremely significant. Part of the significance comes from the pain; if it is really worth getting, it's worth suffering for. Additionally, because the ribs protect your heart and lungs, a tattoo there is basically sheilding the center of your life force. Every heartbeat and every breath will reinforce the message inked forever on your skin. Plus, it's kind of an intimate area, so if someone is going to be seeing or touching it, it's going to be someone who is very important and special to you. I remember curling my arm instinctively around myself, just below my breasts, and inadvertently flashing back to the last person who had touched me intimately (Theo). I resolved again that the next person to touch me there would not be someone i was settling for.

And another week after that, i was sitting in chapel. I don't remember what the message was, only that it was really speaking to me in a lot of ways. I think it was something about being all that you can be. At one point, what the speaker said was so poignant and appropriate to the moment that Sue texted me (yes, we text in chapel) and said, "Never settle!"

At that moment, i felt God sit next to me and whisper, "That's going to be your next tattoo."

I whispered back, "God, i'm not getting another tattoo. Remember? I only ever wanted this one."

And He looked at me and whispered, "Really? You're going to argue with ME? This is going to be your next tattoo."

And i whispered, "Yeah, but . . . Oh. Yeah. Okay."

It took a few months until i had the ready cash for it, but now i have this tattoo forever. The text was not a font that the guy had. It is my own handwriting. I liked the idea of inscribing those words on my flesh with my own hand (even though technically someone else did the actual inscribing).

This image, these words, this idea, i've been carrying with me for a long time. And now i will carry them with me forever.

purity vs. abstinence, part 2 (the mistake)

I broke up with Casey in the end of June 2010. We talked about a possible reconciliation, but i just couldn't bring myself to want it. I wanted to want it, because i wanted to be right about him. I wanted to believe that i had been right to trust him and to keep holding on to the relationship for so long, despite everything that should have made me run. But i was done.

Then i went to the wedding of the couple i mentioned in the last post. At the wedding, i talked to "Theo". Theo and i had a lot of mutual friends, and we had had a few classes together. He was bright and attractive and musically talented, and had a great sense of humor. I didn't have a crush on him or anything, and i had never even been attracted to him. I just acknowledged the fact that he was good looking. But i had always felt that if we ever spent any time together, we would be good friends. We had a lot in common, but we had never really hung out.

At the wedding, we hung out and really hit it off. At the reception, we hung out some more, and it was awesome. We were the only two people not dancing, and we sat together at my table and chatted about dancing, and school, and past relationships. At one point, i said, "It's funny. Being single at a wedding is supposed to make you feel melancholy, but i really don't. I mean, it would be nice to have someone, but i'm SO relieved to be out of my last relationship that i'm actually really happy to be single."

Theo laughed and gave me a significant look and said, "Oh, believe me, I know EXACTLY what you mean." I knew enough about Theo's last relationship to interpret this remark. He and "Ruth" had been off-and-on for two years. They would date for a few months, break up for a few days or weeks, and get back together. Everyone knew that their relationship was toxic and that they made each other miserable, but somehow they couldn't seem to figure out how to stay broken up. However, this last breakup had lasted for a month or so, and it really looked like they were done. And now, Theo was saying (or at least strongly implying) that he was glad and relieved to be done.

That night, i went to Theo's apartment with a bunch of our friends. We watched movies until the wee hours, and slowly, everyone else went to bed until it was just me and Theo. And then we had sex.

It really was a very sudden and unexpected thing. We were watching movies, and then we were secretly holding hands, and then we were groping each other under the covers, and then he popped my cherry. It was brief and awkward and uncomfortable and not the least bit romantic or hot or enjoyable. At least not for me. He did at least finish (unlike me), and then he cleaned me up and went to sleep on the floor, allowing me to keep the bed.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what had happened and how. I was even more confused about sexual morality than i had been before, and had no idea what this would mean for my future.

I spent the next several months dealing with the consequences of my actions. This included taking Plan B. I had to buy it myself, because Theo never asked if i was on birth control, or checked up on me in any way, except for one conversation after Ruth found out, where we talked in very broad terms about how we felt emotionally. The consequences also included confessing my sin to a few different people, because while i was certain that i had sinned, i didn't know which part of what had happened was the sinful part. Was it because i wasn't in love with him? Was it because we weren't dating? Was it because it was impulsive and we didn't use protection or pray about it beforehand?

One of the hardest consequences to face was the fact that Theo decided to get back together with Ruth. And he didn't tell her about the multiple girls (that's right, it wasn't just me) that he had slept with while they were broken up. And before you start quoting Ross Geller and debating about the wisdom and morality of Theo's decision, you have to at least agree that he should tell her that he slept around while they were broken up/on a break/whatever, rather than giving her the impression that he had been totally faithful and Christlike (which is what he did). So i had to be the one to break the news to Ruth. I have never seen that look in someone's eyes before, and i never want to again. (For those wondering, Theo and Ruth are engaged to be married this summer.)

This ruined my budding friendship with Ruth and complicated some of my other friendships. Even now, nine months after the fact, i keep finding people who know about what happened and have changed their opinion of me because of it. And i know that there are still some people who don't know. My parents don't know. One of my sisters doesn't know. John knows, but if he's not T.O.M., that means that there is still at least one boyfriend to tell. And even when i find those wonderful people (happily, this is most of my friends) who do not judge me, but rather accept my mistake with love and understanding, it still signals a change in their view of me. I am not the person they thought i was.

But during all of this confusion, pain, and doubt, God was there. He protected me, and kept His hands upon me, allowing me to deal with the many consequences and layers of what had happened one at a time. I had to deal with changed friendships, i had to deal with buying Plan B, i had to deal with ostracism and awkwardness, but i was able to take it one step at a time.

The last thing i dealt with was the question of morality. One day, i was walking to work, and i was praying. And all of a sudden, i was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness and shame. God was walking beside me, and He nodded sadly and said, "Yes. You have sinned."

I apologized, and asked Him to forgive me. I didn't want Him to be angry with me. And this is where God displayed His true awesomeness and the depth of His love and forgiveness: He put His arms around me and said, "I'm not mad. I'm just sad. I wanted you to have something better."

He then explained it to me in terms that i could understand. Imagine that i wanted to give you a present. I wanted to give you a chair. I had your friends help me take secret measurements. I took copious notes on the way that you sit, on what you look for in a chair, on your weight and height and design preferences. I chopped down a tree and started cutting and carving, custom-making the perfect chair for you. I wanted you to have something that would last you a lifetime, something that would be both beautiful and useful, something that would fit your body and desires perfectly. (Now the sexual metaphor is starting to make sense, right?) At last, it was done. I gave it a final polish and brought it to your house. And you said, "Oh, this is perfect! We are having a bonfire tonight and I was afraid we would run out of wood." And then you threw it on the fire.

Now, i'm not God. So chances are i'd be pretty pissed initially. But ultimately, i would be disappointed, because what i wanted was for you to have this perfect chair. I wanted you to have something that would last you a lifetime, that would be useful, that would give you pleasure, and that would fulfill your needs.

It's not like you just threw it away or stuck it in the attic, right? You got use out of my gift. It gave you pleasure. It fulfilled your needs. But you did not get as much use out of it as you would have if you had used it the way i intended you to use it. You did not get as much pleasure out of it as i had intended. And it did not fulfill as many of your needs as deeply as it would have. And i am sad, because i wanted you to have something more. I gave you something beautiful, but you didn't see it for what it was. You took my incredible gift and you ignored it, and because of that, you missed out on the wonderful thing i intended for you to have.

Moving away from the chair metaphor, God is amazing. So after we cried and hugged it out, He gave me a second gift: the rest of my life. He reminded me that i still get to have amazing sex in the future. I'll never get my first time back again, but i can still have the sex that God wanted me to have. My sin was in ignoring the gift i should have had, but i was able to redeem myself by recommitting to that gift.

I bought myself a new purity ring. Not an abstinence ring, but a purity ring. I committed myself to purity, to sex as God intended it, to love and fidelity and lifelong pleasure and joy.