How Not to Get a Girl 1

These stories are all based on real events. In fact, they are all based on one guy who used to work with me.

A (picking up my hair): Your hair smells great.
Me: Please don't smell my hair.

A: See? This is why you should marry me.
Me: Because i told you about Dominos bread bowls?
A: Yes. We help each other out.
Me: But that's only an example of how i have helped you. What do you do for me?
A: I make you laugh. And that's the gift that lasts forever. How long can a bread bowl keep you satisfied? As long as it's on the menu. But how long can I keep you satisfied? As long as I'm alive.

A: This is why you should marry me. Because we have the same kind of energy beaming back and forth between us. I can see the energy in your soul beaming from your eyes into my eyes.
Me: Please stop talking.

A: I've updated my wardrobe, you know, trying to find more clothes like Casey might wear. Because I figured, you like the way he dresses, so maybe if I dress like him, you'll go out with me?
Me: I like Casey.

A: Did Casey give you that necklace?
Me: No. In fact, we broke up a few months ago.
A: What? You didn't tell me! I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?
Me: It just didn't come up.
A: I'm so sorry. Man. Well, hey, now that that door is open, you wanna go get some coffee together or something?
Me: No.

A: See, I have a confession: the reason I've been asking you out more often is that I told Erica that I could get any girl I wanted. And she said I couldn't get you, no matter what. And I told her if I stepped up my game a little, I totally could.
Me: I know. She told me. She's my roommate.
A: So I'm stepping up my game.
Me: And stepping up your game involves . . . asking me out more often?
A: Well. Yeah. Pretty much.
Me: Yeah. It's not going to work. Erica was right.
A: We'll see.

A: I feel like I'll be at your wedding one day, and I'll be like, "Wow, you look so hot. You wanna go get coffee some time?" And your husband will go to punch me, and you'll be like, "No, babe. It's not worth it. His life is sad enough already."
Me: Yeah, that's pretty much how it would go down.

A: This is why we should get married, because we could just sit on our porch, and you could read, and I could be playing you music on the guitar, while we drink sweet tea and our beautiful adopted Black children run around in the yard.
Me: . . .